Well it was great yesterday with over a foot of snow fallen and I was going to fly today to capture some nice stills of the snow all around. However, I awoke to rain, hard-ish rain and warmer temps. I thought that it would last for a short while then I could get out, but, no such luck. It has rained all day and is still raining as I lick my wounds, plus all the bloody snow is melting away fast, what a waste.
I was home with nothing to do and thought I would be a nice husband and help out with the wild life in the house. The cat needed to take a pill this evening and my wife was giving the little ones a bath and I thought I would be kind and help out with the cat. That would be a nice surprise as one less thing to do for my wife, when everyone came down stairs with damp hair and smelling like baby soap. Took a quick look at the instructions and it seemed a no brainer. Especially since the cat is like an industrial vacuum cleaner if even the slightest little scrap of meat ever gets dropped on the floor, whoosh, gone in the blink of an eye.
I took the pill, wrapped it in a piece of sandwich meat and dropped it discretely on the floor. Whoosh, it was gone in an instant, then the cat sat there for a moment making mouth movements, and in the same way that you or I could pop a cherry in our mouths and chew away all the good bits and leave just the stone in our mouths, she did that with the pill and promptly spit it out. So, I took another piece of meat and this time wrapped it tighter around the pill, but first I dropped two other pieces of meat in quick succession, to be sure she was just a quick to eat them. Sure enough, she was, and now I dropped the tightly wrapped bit and then immediately dropped the plain meat, expecting her to devour the first piece so she could get to the second one before the other cat came in and got it. She did that alright but still manage to sense and remove the pill from the meat wrapping in her mouth and then spit it out again before eating the second piece of meat.
So... I went back to the directions from the vets. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. Great... in a perfect world, but it went on like this. Retrieve the pill from floor and the cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. Retrieve the cat from bedroom, and throw the soggy, very expensive pill away. Take new pill from the foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of at least ten. Retrieve the pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from the bathroom, making sure the children are clean and no water is in the tub. Kneel on the floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by the cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand (the cat's, not mine) while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down the ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. Retrieve the cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vase from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. It was from the mother-in-law anyway. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in the end of a drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil, and blow down drinking straw but not too forceful.
Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take the taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap or Oxyclean if it is handy, it works a treat. Retrieve cat from the basement. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing through. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. Take last pill from foil-wrap. Tie the little @!!@#@#$%'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed and put on a baseball catcher's mask, if you have one in the house (I don't even like baseball}. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it, she deserves it by now. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye, the catcher's mask is not foolproof. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table. Arrange for Animal Protective League to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters. How to give a dog a pill... wrap it in cheese and say good boy! We only have cats though.
I was home with nothing to do and thought I would be a nice husband and help out with the wild life in the house. The cat needed to take a pill this evening and my wife was giving the little ones a bath and I thought I would be kind and help out with the cat. That would be a nice surprise as one less thing to do for my wife, when everyone came down stairs with damp hair and smelling like baby soap. Took a quick look at the instructions and it seemed a no brainer. Especially since the cat is like an industrial vacuum cleaner if even the slightest little scrap of meat ever gets dropped on the floor, whoosh, gone in the blink of an eye.
I took the pill, wrapped it in a piece of sandwich meat and dropped it discretely on the floor. Whoosh, it was gone in an instant, then the cat sat there for a moment making mouth movements, and in the same way that you or I could pop a cherry in our mouths and chew away all the good bits and leave just the stone in our mouths, she did that with the pill and promptly spit it out. So, I took another piece of meat and this time wrapped it tighter around the pill, but first I dropped two other pieces of meat in quick succession, to be sure she was just a quick to eat them. Sure enough, she was, and now I dropped the tightly wrapped bit and then immediately dropped the plain meat, expecting her to devour the first piece so she could get to the second one before the other cat came in and got it. She did that alright but still manage to sense and remove the pill from the meat wrapping in her mouth and then spit it out again before eating the second piece of meat.
So... I went back to the directions from the vets. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. Great... in a perfect world, but it went on like this. Retrieve the pill from floor and the cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. Retrieve the cat from bedroom, and throw the soggy, very expensive pill away. Take new pill from the foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of at least ten. Retrieve the pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from the bathroom, making sure the children are clean and no water is in the tub. Kneel on the floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by the cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand (the cat's, not mine) while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down the ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. Retrieve the cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vase from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. It was from the mother-in-law anyway. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in the end of a drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil, and blow down drinking straw but not too forceful.
Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take the taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap or Oxyclean if it is handy, it works a treat. Retrieve cat from the basement. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing through. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. Take last pill from foil-wrap. Tie the little @!!@#@#$%'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed and put on a baseball catcher's mask, if you have one in the house (I don't even like baseball}. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it, she deserves it by now. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye, the catcher's mask is not foolproof. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table. Arrange for Animal Protective League to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters. How to give a dog a pill... wrap it in cheese and say good boy! We only have cats though.
