A young pilot in a Fighter Jet was flying escort for a B-52 Bomber and generally being a nuisance, acting like a big hotshot, flying loops around the lumbering old bomber.
The hotshot said over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better".
The veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot".
The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level. Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, "So? What did you do?
“I just shut down two engines, kid" came the sarcastic reply.
Aircraft Pilot "Radar, we're a flight of two A10s, currently overhead and, er, we've forgotten our callsign"
Radar Controller: "No problem, we'll allocate temporary ones: adopt callsign Stupid One and Stupid Two"
A military pilot requested a priority landing, because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked". Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 bomber that had one engine shut down.
"Ah", the fighter pilot remarked "The dreaded Seven-Engine approach"
Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing!
(Sign over the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan).
In his book, Sled Driver, SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes:
"I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my back-seater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Although they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope.
I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its ground speed. "90 knots" Center replied.
Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same. "120 knots," Center answered.
We weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed that day as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests ground speed readout."
There was a slight pause, then the response, "525 knots on the ground, Dusty." Another silent pause.
As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my back-seater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison. "Center, Aspen 20, you got a ground speed readout for us?" There was a longer than normal pause....
"Aspen, I show 1,742 knots." (That's about 2005 mph)
No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.
In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 600 (60,000ft).
The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet?
The pilot (obviously a sled driver), "We don't plan to go up to it; we plan to go down to it." He was cleared.
Basic Flying Rules:
Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.
Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky. (From an old carrier sailor)
Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII:
When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible.
If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe
Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!
Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries
What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up,...the pilot dies.
In an attempt to keep, the passengers from standing or moving around before taxiing was completed the Flight Attendant of an internal flight said over the PA…
"Ladies and Gentlemen. Our pilots FLY much better than they DRIVE so please remain seated until the captain finishes taxiing and brings the aircraft to a complete stop at the terminal”
On landing, the Stewardess said, “Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have”
A Flight Attendant's comment after a less than perfect landing; “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal”
"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position"
Overheard on a flight into Regina, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight to control it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Regina. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate”
After a very heavy landing in Halifax, the Flight Attendant announced; “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal”
“Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments”
"Last one off the plane has to clean it"
Pilot "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern"
Speed is life. Altitude is life insurance.
Max Stanley (Test Pilot) “The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world… It can just barely kill you”
“Son, you are going to have to make up your mind about growing up and becoming a pilot…. you can’t do both”
Explaining the use of the controls to a student "If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller.
Unless you pull the stick too far back, then they get bigger again very quickly"
Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwind.
Stay out of clouds. Reliable sources report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.
In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminium going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
“The only time you have too much fuel is when you are on fire”
Multi Engine Training Manual “When one engine fails on a twin-engine aircraft, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash”
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
The student replied, "When I was number one for takeoff sir"
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach speed just a little too high.
San JoseTower: "Flight 751 heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the lights to return to the airport”
Tower "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7"
Eastern 702 "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ... by the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway"
Tower "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern?"
Continental 635 "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers"
"Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees"
"But Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
The controller while working a busy shift told a 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft).
The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?”
Without hesitating the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"
Decodes
Cabin Attendant Two-legged mobile device for extracting cash from a captive audience
Economy Class Conditions under which transportation of animals would constitute a criminal offence
Passenger Cargo that talks or Self-loading freight
Airline Club Lounge Paradise like kingdom guarded by dragon-like creatures
In-flight Snacks Little treats sealed in a bag that can only be opened by using a chainsaw. When finally open guaranteed to spill everywhere
Minimum Connecting Time Time it takes an Olympic Gold Medal sprinter to run between two gates
Hotel/Car Rental Shuttle Bus Vehicle subject to paranormal effects. While waiting every one will come by multiple times… except yours
On-time Arrival Obscure term… meaning unknown
On-time Departure Cabin doors closed 15 minutes before scheduled departure time… Subsequent delays are irrelevant
Problems reported by Pilots and Solutions noted by Aircraft Engineers in aircraft Technical Logs.
P | Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S | Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P | Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S | Auto land not installed on this aircraft.
P | No 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S | No 2 propeller seepage normal - No 1, No 3, and No 4 propellers lack normal seepage.
P | Something loose in cockpit.
S | Something tightened in cockpit.
P | Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S | Evidence removed.
P | Engine noise at an unbelievable high level.
S | Volume set to more believable level.
P | Dead bugs on windshield.
S | Live bugs on order.
P | Aircraft handles funny.
S | Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
one of my favorite sayings
a landing is a controlled crash
And on that line:
"Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss."
-Douglas Adams
